As expected, Jackie Chan is hardly in JACKIE CHAN’S CRIME FORCE. But it doesn’t matter – the movie (originally known as GOLDEN QUEEN’S COMMANDO) succeeds in being entertaining in its own plotless, nonsensical, over-the-top manner without him.

It’s a crazian (that’s crazy + Asian) female version of THE DIRTY DOZEN, minus five protagonists, so let’s call it THE SKANKY SEVEN. The opening sequence introduces us to each of the man-hating, felonious females, including the eyepatch-wearing Black Fox, the tattooed Amazon, the fright-wigged Black Cat, the pickpocketing Quick Silver, the whore Sugar, the pyrotechnic Dynamite and some alcoholic chick whose name I didn’t catch because the titles are poorly framed and cut off.

Upon her arrival in prison during World War II, Black Fox (Brigitte Lin of CHUNGKING EXPRESS and POLICE STORY) double-crosses each of the girls so they’ll all end up in the hole together. There she hatches an escape plan upon which they all agree. Though the escape gets the movie rolling, it denies us the usual women-in-prison clichés to which American renters are so pruriently accustomed (though it does offer a ballet-like basketball game and Keystone Kops-esque food fight
instead).

Once they flee on horseback, Black Fox reveals they’ve been recruited to help her infiltrate an evil warlord’s chemical weapons plant. In a booby-trapped forest, they encounter the usual dangers – nets, spikes, sword-wielding skeletons – and are soon captured, but are allowed to go free when they beat their enemies at their own games – namely archery, blindfolded balloon shooting and noodle-eating. Following a brief interlude in haunted woods, the girls finally arrive at the cat-stroking warlord’s ENTER THE DRAGON-ish secret cave lair. Said warlord is portrayed for all of about two minutes by Chan. This is the best part, though, because the chicks shoot a lot of minions and do flips.

You get all this plus severed limbs, a rat pierced with a chopstick and a fat guy named, well, Fatty. Arguably it’s the silliest thing Chan’s ever done outside of FANTASY MISSION FORCE, yet still a better career move than THE MEDALLION.

You can find it (as did I) in a double-feature DVD set with JACKIE CHAN’S THE INVINCIBLE FIGHTER, which cuts up his really old movies in an effort to craft a documentary on his life.

Review by Rod Lott.

USA, 2004
Director: Nick Hamm
Score: **

When Paul (Greg Kinnear) and Jessie Duncan (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos) unexpectedly lose their 8-year old son, Adam (Cameron Bright) in a tragic accident, they are approached by a Dr. Richard Wells (Robert De Niro), offering them the opportunity to clone Adam (a Godsend?) and thus reunite the broken family.  Of course, moral, ethical and whatever issues are raised but all do go hunky-dory till Adam reaches his 8th birthday.  Adam imagines strange phenomena.  To add a twist, which most likely is the reason De Niro was attracted to the project, Dr. Wells has a dark secret that is yet to be revealed.

GODSEND has been advertised as a psychological thriller/drama that probes the outer-reaches of science while dealing with ethical issues.  But it turns out to be a feeble moral tale about two characters (the couple and Dr. Wells) in a typical American society squabbling over possession of the boy. The cardboard Paul and Jessie, do their token romantic stuff, argue over issues and predictably give in to the wishes of the good doctor. Dr. Wells is the typical Hollywood-type brilliant scientist, all good-at-heart till pushed to the limit. Nonetheless, their final confrontation is inevitable.

Mark Bomback’s screenplay treats cloning as a serious novel idea, though countless films have dealt with clones be it in comedic terms as in Woody Allen’s SLEEPER or as a sci-fi thriller (CLONUS).  Great lengths have been taken by director Nick Hamm to make it all believable – the huge facility the doctor works at is elaborately set up; the cloning process is explicitly explained – but the problem lies in the indecision of what kind of film GODSEND want to be.  Hamm (responsible for the recent barely acceptable British thriller THE HOLE), who has his roots in theatre, dabs into the horror genre (with a few genuinely eerie moments like when the father questions what would happen if the boy finds out the truth), family drama, moral issues but goes nowhere with any of them.  The film works best with the psychological problems faced by Adam – when he starts hallucinating or occupy twin characters.  But whatever interest that initially was generated is quickly lost as the script tackles too many concerns.  Even Niven Howie’s (LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS) spirited editing fails to help.  The result is a pretentious forgettable film that probably sounded good when first put on paper.

Review by Gilbert Seah.

Canada, 2003
Director: Guy Maddin
Score: ***

Guy Maddin is Winnipeg’s film boy wonder.  His Toronto International Film Festival prelude HEART OF THE WORLD was a masterpiece.  His other films TALES FROM THE GIMLI HOSPITAL, ARCHANGEL and TWILIGHT OF THE ICE NYMPHS could be called dark, German impressionist, Gallic or even horror excesses, but they never cease to amaze, shock or perhaps even entertain.

THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD, is set in 1933 during the deepest of the great depression in Winnipeg, Canada, also known as the saddest city on earth.  (If you were Canadian, you would know!) A contest to find the saddest music in the world is held by double-amputee, the Queen of Beer, Lady Port-Huntly (Isabella Rossellini).  Expatriate Chester, her former lover (Mark McKinney) enters and confusion (what else?) follows.

Maddin’s film alternates between color and black and white, jumps all over the place, and contains inane dialogue like “not a sausage” and “the song is you.” Pygmy funeral music and Siamese woodwind can be heard on the soundtrack.  Images are occasionally encapsulated in a glass bulb or moved at stop/fast speeds like the old silent films.  Hard to believe, but a narrative exists.  The story follows Chester as he weasels his way into the competition to great catastrophe.  THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD is not Maddin’s best, but it benefits from having star performances by Rossellini and the ever popular Maria de Medeiros.

Review by Gilbert Seah.

2003, Japan
Director: Takashi Shimizu
Starring: Noriko Sakai, Kei Horie, Yui Ichikawa

Plot: A TV crew has invited a queen of horror films to present a report on the supposedly bad vibes in a deserted home. Although she is supposed to fake the reception of signals from another world, Kyoko (Sakai) starts to sense something seriously wicked their way comes. The creepy sounds from the attic and the black stains on the floorboards are only an omen of what is still to come ahead. After the taping of the show, the members of the TV crew are visited one by one by the vengefully furious spirit of Toshio and his mother Kayako.

Here it is. The sequel to one of the scariest films ever made. Ju-On 2 is the scariest and the most strongly plotted entry in the series (2 straight-to-video features and 2 theatrical versions). This time around, director Shimizu clearly avoided just simply crafting an entirely episodic storyline by intertwining the main plot with a subplot about a young schoolgirl making her debut as an extra Kyoko’s new film. The director mixes scenes from this horror film within a horror film with his main plotline.

And the result is superbly unique. What we have here is a horror film that surprises you not only by scares but also by how cleverly crafted it is. Sure, formulated techniques are used, but mixing just the right balance of formula and well craftsmanship tops the original film, The film’s atmosphere is effectively creepy throughout as it was in the original. It is one of rare film that is actually better than the original especially in horror film genre.

Okay, now he needs to stop here. This is a great series for Shimizu and will be the one he will be remembered for. But between 2 straight-to-video features and two theatrical features, you would think he had enough of it. Why he signed up to direct upcoming Hollywood remake?  It’s about time for him to move on. I am quite sure he can produce something as good or perhaps even better than Ju-On series.

Review by Shogo.

USA, 2002
Director: Matthew Barney
Score: ***

The five films in Matthew Barney’s CREMASTER series attest the fact that visually noncommercial films are alive and kicking today in the art-house circuit.  The CREMASTER refers to the muscle that lifts and lowers the testicles of the male body.  But in Barney’s work, the idea is stretched to gender non-differentiation, when in the uterus during the fetus’ first seven weeks, the sexual organs could ascend or descend thus determining a baby’s gender.

In the most recent of Barney’s films, CREMASTER 3, he writes, directs and stars as New York’s Chrysler Building’s apprentice who is at odds with the architect.  He ties in Masonic myth into the tale by linking the architect (Richard Serra) to the builder of the original Solomon’s temple.  It is neat to observe dentistry, mythology, aesthetics, Busby Berkeley dance and slapstick concocted in an odd mixture.  But the linkage often requires some thought to be put together.  For example, the mishaps occurring by a bartender (Terry Gillepsie) is the result of potatoes stuffed under the foundation of the bar by a woman (Aimee Mullins) cutting them with blades on her shoes.

CREMASTER 3 is the final episode.  It does not matter the order in which each is watched – they were not made in sequence anyway.  Matthew Barney has been hailed as the most important American artist of his generation by the New York Times Magazine.  Whether one would agree is debatable, but it is guaranteed that watching the 3-hour long sometimes intelligent and at other times gibberish CREMASTER 3 of the series is a unique and unforgettable experience.

The Other 4 CREMASTER films:

CREMASTER 4 (1994), shot on the Isle of Man, features penile racing cars, androgynous fairies and a tap-dancing satyr (played by Barney himself).

CREMASTER 1 (1995), set at a lit football stadium in Boise, Idaho (Barney’s hometown), employs a troupe of smiling dancers (à la Busby Berkeley) whose moves are controlled by inexplicable beings in phallic blimps.

CREMASTER 5 (1997), set in Budapest, is a mini opera that has the Queen (Ursula Andress, out of retirement for this) interacting with an androgynous acrobat, a dashing equestrian and a sea god all three played by Barney.

CREMASTER 2 (1999), shot in the Salt Flats of Utah and the Rocky Mountains of Alberta, conjures the personae of murderer Gary Gilmore (Barney) and magician Harry Houdini (Norman Mailer), rumored to have been Gilmore’s grandfather.

Review by Gilbert Seah.