Well, Adam Sandler has finally done it.

He’s finally really as bad as everyone always said he was.

For years, I have always been one to defend Sandler—from the hilarious highs of Billy Madison and the Wedding Singer to the laborious lows of Bulletproof and Little Nicky. But after the dreck that was Anger Management and now this cold-sore of a film, unless it’s a P.T. Anderson film, I think I’ll take my next Sandler vehicle on video.

I hate to say this because I find Sandler to be a true comedic genius. He was one of the most influential artists growing up, when I first saw him on SNL when I was about 10 or 11.  No one cracked my brother and me up harder—from Canteen Boy to the DIY Halloween costumes, along with Farley, Spade and Rock, Sandler created a Holy Quadrangle of comedy that I still laugh at heartily today. And when I first saw Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore and the Wedding Singer, I was as equally enthralled by his work. And you know, I kinda liked Big Daddy. The Waterboy was OK. And then what’s this? Little Nicky? Um… not so good.  Mr. Deeds, yeah I laughed once or twice…

Then came the aforementioned Anger Management. It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t entertaining—it was barely a film. Sandler was clearly losing any credibility he had (I am not really counting Punch Drunk Love, as it’s not a true Sandler film—sorry) and his next film was going to make of break him. So when I heard news his next film was going to reunite him with Drew Barrymore (who as much as I don’t like, will admit she really made The Wedding Singer work), so I was pretty excited. Then I saw the trailer.

“What the Hell is this ***censored***?” I thought, watching it.

But, trailers can lie right? I’m still gonna give it a chance. I will still watch it on opening day. And I did.

And it sucked.

No, “sucked” doesn’t even do it justice. “Sucks” is too nice. This movie is pure, uninspired, retreaded ***censored***. Sandler obviously doesn’t give a ***censored*** anymore—he just cruises from one goofably likable love-lorn character to the next, with little change in plot or ideas. And somehow poor li’l Rob Schneider always ends up in the mess.

In 50 First Dates, Sandler is Henry Roth, a player (who’s also very sweet, per the Sandler usual) who beds women non-stop on vacation in beautiful Hawaii. One day, he meets Lucy (our little Drew!) and they hit it off immediately and agree to meet the next day. So they do, but there’s one problem: Lucy has no short term memory and remembers nothing after she goes to sleep. Enter various comedic fracases.

While this could have been played for meaner laughs (as Sandler would of done about ten years ago), Sandler, preying on the sensibilities of the Valentine’s holiday crowd who loved his sweet Wedding Singer character (the one he pretty much plays all the time now), tries even harder than before to make you fall in love with him. That means cutting the dick jokes to the minimum and making the thing practically a drama towards the middle. I only wish I could tell you the unsatisfying, horrible ending that will lead you shaking your head in disbelief, saying to yourself “How does she live like that? And they got… and there’s a …that’s makes no ***censored*** sense!”

The cast is passable—Drew Barrymore (who I know most of you hate, but, while I find her personality in real life to be ***censored*** and fake as all Hell, I think she’s still super cute.) is even more annoying than usual. She wants you to love her more than you love Adam—it’s like they’re locked in an eternal struggle for your heart. The girl can’t act, sorry.  Rob Schneider does his contractually-obligated “sidekick who talks in a funny accent” shtick and Ring-er Sean Astin is a ***censored***-erotic steroid juicer. I don’t even want to get started on Dan Aykroyd—let me just say that Sandler better take a good look at Aykroyd hard, because that’s where his career is headed. Adam’s career is in critical condition and it’s time to perform some resuscitation, stat, because pretty soon it’ll be him starring alongside Britney Spears in Crossroads 2 (Yeah Dan—you know I saw you!)

I tried, but there is absolutely nothing to recommend in this movie. As a matter of fact, if someone you love recommends seeing 50 First Dates, punch them. 50 times, if necessary.

Review by Louis Fowler.