Now Emily and I will watch our fair share of total crap, but for only the second time in my life, I walked out of a movie.

Yeah-- I know we’ve watched every bit of every crap film released, from Patch Adams and Glitter to From Justin to Kelly, all with the detached, hipster MST3K irony that shouted out “Hey look at us, we’re so cool, we love to watch bad mainstream movies because we know something funny that you don’t!”

Well, I think that we’re not going to do that for a while. You see, Emily and I saw Gigli yesterday. Not the whole thing mind you-- at least the first thirty minutes. That was long enough. When Doctor Forrester called a movie “Deep Hurting,” I now know what he meant.

I mean, who the hell thought this movie was a good idea? Here’s the set-up of this winner: Ben Affleck is a quasi-mobster named Gigli (rhymes with really, but is synonomous with ***censored***) who is also a ***censored***-up. His “Joisey” accent is about as dead-on as your grandfather’s Jack Benny impersonation, i.e. not good at all. So his stereotypical, Sopranos-ey boss gives him the job of kidnapping and watching a severly retarded man. To insure he won’t ***censored*** this one up, the Sopranos-ey mobster makes Gigli team-up with Jennifer Lopez, stretching her already fragile acting ability as-- shock me shock me shock me-- a gun-toting lesbian hit-man (hit-person?). You know in a movie when a person is kicked in the balls, the men in the audience shift in their seat, knowing full well the pain and uncomfortibility of being kicked in the testes-- that’s what follows the next thirty minutes-- one big, painful, uncomfotable slam in the nuts. Is yelling and punching a retarded guy in the face anyone’s idea of “romantic comedy”? Or how about just plain “comedy”? Nope, it’s just plain uncomfortable.

The final straw came when a doctor was shooting botox into Lainie Kazan’s be-thonged ***censored***. Yes, you read that right--- Lainie Kazan in a thong. We just couldn’t stay any longer. It wasn’t even a funny, make fun of kind of bad. It was boring bad. It was jaw-agape, tears in eyes, questioning the existence of God, boring bad. It really reminded me of Serving Sara (a movie I did sit all the way through). Well, Serving Sara if it was eaten up and ***censored*** out by Matthew Perry. I mean, how bad does a movie have to be to be bested by Serving Sara? That’s like comparing Weekend at Bernie’s 2 to National Lampoon’s Last Resort.

But you know, I bet when Ben and J. Lo were reading the script for this, they knew this would be different for them-- they told their agents “Bernie, this is sharp, it’s funny and most importantly, it’s dark and edgy! I have to get this role!” I’m sure that after the dreck of Bounce and Angel Eyes, a ***censored*** walk-on on “8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter” would be Cassavettes, but folks, Killing of a Chinese Bookie it’s not. Hell, it’s not even Husbands.

But all in all, the good thing was we didn’t have to pay for the movie. If we did, I would of personally gone to Hollywood and bayoneted Affleck, Lopez and especially writer/director Martin Brest, until they handed over my $8 and a written apology.