You know, the original Matrix could have gone down in film history as one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time. If the Wachowski brothers could have just left it at that first one, they would have been revered more than George Lucas and it would of been on par with Star Wars and Close Encounters. But no-they just had to make a sequel and it just happened to be one of the worst sequels of all time, Matrix Reloaded. It was meandering, overlong and above, just ***censored*** silly. All the things that made the original a classic were as limp as Larry Wachowski’s penis-turned-vagina.

Now, six months later comes the supposed final chapter in the trilogy, Revolutions. And while it’s a marked improvement over the sequel (a half hour of Neo taking a dump would have been better than Reloaded), it’s still one of the worst movies of the year. There is absolutely NO reason for this movie to exist other than to bilk a quick $100 million from stupid Americans who just don’t know better. On top of that, the movie is two-hours and thirty minutes long, yet I have no recollection of any single thing that happened. I mean, there’s a couple of massive fight scenes, but other than that absolutely nothing happens. This movie doesn’t even have an ending.

Revolutions opens up right where Reloaded ended, complete with the taste of urine in my mouth. Neo’s trapped in the Matrix and the Sentinels are about to break through to Zion. Neo is told by the new Oracle (the Matrix goes through more Oracles than the Tardis goes through Dr. Who’s… oh my god, that is the nerdiest thing I have ever said in my life-shoot me now, please!) once again some non-sense like a third-rate Yoda. Meanwhile, Morpheus continues his transformation into the Hellraiser cenobite Butterball.

As the Matrix attacks Zion (for what seems like close to an hour and a half), Neo and Trinity travel to the Machine World to meet the machine leader. Trinity dies along the way, (making her character more useless than ever) and Neo jacks into the machine leader to fight Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving, the film’s only bright spot). They fight in the rain. They punch each other. A lot.

And that’s it. That’s all. Fade to black.

And that is the thing that made me angry more than anything else: you have had millions of people worldwide invest time and money into these films, and you don’t even give them an ending-you Wachowski ***censored*** are truly bastards. As a matter of fact, here’s the ending: the robots and the humans call a truce. Neo lies still in the machine world and the Oracle basically says “Get ready for the further adventures of Neo and the gang if this makes money.”

Are you mad at me for that spoiler? Well, I’d rather have you mad at me for a week than to have you walk out, depressed you spent $8 on the cinematic equivalent to watching your mom give a rim-job to a homeless amputee. You’ll thank me later.

The acting is atrocious, but thankfully, the worst character in film history, that weird French guy, is back. I still have no idea what his purpose is, but he still talks in that ***censored*** ridiculous Jerry Lewis-caricature accent that is the funniest performance of the year. And this time he runs a hard-core S&M club, thus allowing the Wachowski’s requisite techno-rave / bondage scene to spill it’s seed all across the screen. Mon dieu! His performance alone is almost worth the price of admission….almost.

Meanwhile, Keanu’s “Whoa!” delivery will keep him typecast forever, Carrie Anne-Moss emotes death as through it were a paper-cut and Jada Pinkett-Smith is oh-so-sassy!  A cute kid is thrown in and that annoying teenager is back, acting like a 1930’s orphans trying to hawk papers. Somewhere, Anthony Zerbe (sans KISS) and Monica Bellucci (sans bra) are thrown in.

The special effects are okay and thankfully the bullet-time effect is used only two or three times. The fight scenes are repetitive, warmed-over Yuen Woo-Ping that quickly gets boring after two punches-a death-blow to an action film itself.

But the worst thing about both this and Reloaded is the fact they just had to turn this into a trilogy. Why? You could have edited at least one hour out of the last one (the entire Zion speech and rave scenes alone would be 30 minutes alone) and an hour out of this one (particularly the Zion fight scene), you could have made one better three hour movie. But even then, it still would of sucked Sentinel wang.

So do yourself a favor-ignore the hype and tell the Matrix to ***censored*** off. Go see the better (the best!) movie opening this weekend, Elf. See Elf twice! Go for a third, if time permits.

Louis Fowler is a frequent contributor to Cinema Eye and Hitch Magazine. He is also the publisher of Damaged Magazine, a new issue of which is coming soon.

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Review by: Louis Fowler