Starring: Adam Sandler, Tea Leoni and Paz Vega
Directed by: James L. Brooks
Columbia Pictures

Somewhere in SPANGLISH is a ***censored*** good movie. I can see it at times, but then, SHE comes on screen and everything that the film has built up is ruined, destroyed, burnt to ash and urinated on.

SHE is Tea Leoni, probably the worst actress in the world, playing what is going down as my most hated character in any film, ever. Every time this bony shrew appears onscreen, I sink into my seat, rage boiling over. Leoni not only completely ruins this movies, she has ruined pretty much all movies for me for at least three weeks. Regardless of whether or not she’s in the said future film, I will picture her in a random role and thusly, the film will be the cinematic equivalent of dysentery. She has been permanently burned into my cortex and only a bullet will get her out.

SPANGLISH is the story of perhaps the best father in the world, John Clasky (a brilliant, mature Adam Sandler) and his wife, the Pol Pot-ish Deborah (the aforementioned Leoni), who is psychotically neurotic to the point where even Woody Allen would slap her and scream “"Snap out of it, Goddammit!””

Her mental state is destroying the family——she constantly nags and berates John, makes her overweight pre-teen daughter feel worthless by always buying clothes two sizes too small and there’s a third kid, a little boy who we barely see, but he too is constantly afraid mom is mad at him. She’’s a complete mess who spends all her time crying and whining and to top it off (and this was the part that really infuriated me), she’s cheating on John.

And John, seriously, is the type of husband and dad everyone would like to have——he’s caring, loving, nice, supportive and doesn’t complain when his wife starts having a ***censored***-fit after she orgasms, getting off him and leaving him unsatisfied. In other words, he’s practically the Jesus of husbands.

Enter the new maid, Flor (the stunningly entrancing Paz Vega), a Spanish-speaking alien who moves into the house and bears witness to the insanity of Deborah and how it’s destroying everyone. We, as an audience, also bear witness to, what I believe, is the best example of repressed racism as Deborah talks down, accuses, screams, insults, insinuates and practically puts a flaming cross in the front yard every time she interacts with Flor.

I believe this is pretty much the way white, upper middle class liberals act towards Hispanics——sure on the outside they act all accepting and non-prejudiced, because that’’s what the public expects, but behind closed doors, all they think Mexicans are good for is taking care of their kids and absorbing abuse. So in this respect, SPANGLISH gets the inherit subconscious racism of all white people right.

After reaching his breaking point upon learning that Deborah has been cheating on him, he leaves and has an all night talk session with Flor that is extremely touching——as a matter of fact, just about every scene with Adam Sandler, whether it be him interacting with Flor or especially with his kids, either you tear up of you marvel at the genius of the writing.
But the writing’s also the biggest part of the problem of SPANGLISH. As I said earlier, in this movie is what could have been a great movie—if only they had completely written out the entire Deborah character.

Here’’s how I would have done it: John Clasky is a widower who is a great dad, but is also kind of lonely since his wife died. With his new restaurant taking off, he needs some help around the house and he hires Flor. Even though there is a language barrier between them, they still fall in love. And it’s beautiful and everyone leaves the theater with newfound warmth in their hearts. Yeah, it sounds treacle on paper, but you can see how well it would work on the screen as you watch the film.

Adam Sandler is in PUNCH DRUNK LOVE mode, which is to say subtle and mildly genius and Paz Vega is a revelation as the non-English immigrant. She’s also jaw-droppingly stunning, which is a plus.

Tea Leoni, on the other hand, need to be dragged out in the street and shot in the back of the head.

I recommend waiting to see this as a rental, because at least then you have the merciful goodness of the fast-forward button at your disposal, and believe me, you’’ll be thankful.

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Louis Fowler is a frequent contributor to Cinema Eye and Hitch Magazine. He is the host of DAMAGED Hearing, Fridays at midnight on KRFC-FM and film critic for the Rocky Mountain Bullhorn. Oh yeah, he also has a blog!