The first one was groundbreaking; this one’s just ***censored***-aching. Oh, and frustrating, repetitious, obscenely padded and stone-cold boring.

Picking up where the original left off, Keanu Reeves, Carrie Anne-Moss and Laurence Fishburne fly around in their electrically charged ship, saving the world from evil quirks in the computer program others see as real life. But no sooner have we rejoined them when they dock in their hometown of Zion, where they stay for nearly half the movie, doing paperwork and going to council meetings—it’s as if George Lucas had been handed the creative reins. The Zion population celebrates the crew’s promised victory over the machines with an insanely gratuitous dance number that wouldn’t be out of place in “Salsa: The Movie” or “Lambada: The Forbidden Dance,” and it’s intercut with laughable “Matrix” porn.

Finally, the crew surfaces, putting us back on earth as we know it, but unfortunately takes a number of meetings in which they meet all sorts of new characters, each of whom delivers an insufferably lengthy speech about the rules of the matrix and whatnot. And they just go on and on and on about it, which might be forgivable if it actually *meant* something. But it doesn’t; it’s all techno-geek mumbo-jumbo bullshit that doesn’t make a lick of sense. Too numerous were the times I thought to myself, “Just what in the hell are they talking about?”

There’s a good fight scene between Keanu and dozens of Agent Smiths (Hugo Weaving), but it becomes a parody of itself by not knowing when to stop. There’s another good fight scene between Keanu and a few heavies on a weapons-laden staircase, followed by a 15-minute car chase that has no reason to be 15 minutes. And in between, there’s talk, more talk and scenes of an elderly Asian keymaker being chased around, because no Hollywood blockbuster of today is complete without your elderly Asian keymaker scene. He’s supposed to be some powerful person holding the secret to something or other, but again, the screenplay is so ***censored***-poor at explaining itself, the film may as well have been in the language of Farsi. And hey, kids, do you like shots where the action slows down for a few moments before returning to normal speed? Because these Wachowski brothers do it every time. Yes, the “bullet time” concept so novel in the first film is now a novelty.

It’s been said that “Reloaded” and this November’s “The Matrix Revolutions” are really one movie split in two. And I believe that. I also believe that if you removed all the meaningless dialogue that appeals to no one but those viewers wearing trenchcoats and sunglasses, you might have a movie worthy of being called a sequel to “The Matrix.” Not that the first one is some pedestal-placed masterpiece, but it’s sure looking like it next to this disappointing and disrespectful slab of crap.

Rod Lott writes about pop culture, annoying celebrities and life’s other absurdities every day at Hitch Daily and he also publishes the long-running Hitch:The Journal of Pop Culture Absurdity which is actually made out of paper.