Van Helsing (2004)
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Director: Cast: Country: Year: 2004 Score: MPAA Rating: |
USA 2004
Director: Stephen Sommers
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale
Bram Stoker’s famed vampire hunter gets a flashy, 21st-century update in the extremely silly but still enjoyable monster mash VAN HELSING, written and directed by Stephen Sommers, the man behind THE MUMMY and THE MUMMY RETURNS.
There’s not a whole lot of story to it: After a Parisian run-in with the *very* LXG-ish Mr. Hyde, the
hat-overcoat-and-hair-extensions-wearing Van Helsing (X-MAN Hugh Jackman) is under the employ of the Catholic Church, which sends him and a meek friar sidekick to Transylvania to exterminate Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh).
There, he joins forces with lithe `n’ lissom Kate Beckinsale (who, after this and UNDERWORLD, has cornered the market on modern vampire movies), the last of a family who has tried for generations – and failed – to rid the town of the bloodsuckers. Complicating matters (but upping the film’s creature quotient) is that her poor brother (Gap model Will Kemp) has recently turned into a wolfman. Meanwhile, Dracula seeks the missing Frankenstein’s monster (Broadway actor Shuler Hensley), whose energy he needs to harness in order to jumpstart the lives of the thousands of vampire babies (which look like GHOULIES with wings) he has fathered with his three bosomy
vampire brides.
Whatever. It’s all a mere outline for CGI-enhanced spectacle and lots of man vs. monster smackdowns. While this is a treat for those weaned on the old Universal icons, VAN HELSING is also the all-you-can-eat buffet of creature features, and it doesn’t know when to stop. It has more transformations-in-shadows, bouts of screaming, people falling, rope swinging, and Margaret Hamilton-style cackles than should be allowed in feature films.
It also has *terrible* dialogue (was it really a good idea to have one of Drac’s demon chicks taunt, “Too bad, so sad”?), performances so wooden that they’re termite-ridden and an ending so unbelievably horrid that it ranks right up there (or *down* there, as the case may be) with the Kattan-as-Casper finale of the HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL remake and the planetarium show denouement from MISSION TO MARS.
But yet I wasn’t expecting art. And who the hell would? After all, we’ve seen THE MUMMY RETURNS. I know to expect a fast-paced, logic-free, cornball summer movie ride, and that’s all VAN HELSING is. Very much in the pulp-camp adventure mold of the MUMMY films, it is a big slice of Sommers sausage – unhealthy, just a bit salty and filled with cheese … and temporarily pleasurable.
ROD LOTT is the publisher of the long-running pop culture satire zine HITCH! Visit hitchmagazine.com to buy a copy. Click here to have Hitch delivered daily to your e-mail inbox.
Review by: Rod Lott
No Responses to Van Helsing
Van Helsing (2004)
|
Director: Cast: Country: Year: 2004 Score: MPAA Rating: |
USA 2004
Director: Stephen Sommers
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale
Score: *1/2
1887, Transylvania. Dr. Frankenstein (Samuel West) has just perfected his monster (Shuler Hensley). Outside the castle, the villagers are restless. With a battering ram, they break open the bolted door, chase the monster up the old windmill and burn him. Done in handsome black and white photography with a combination of CGI and live action, the first 10 minutes of the first of 2004’s blockbusters, VAN HELSING look promising.
Alas! Everything goes downhill from here. Written and directed by Stephen Sommers (THE MUMMY THE MUMMY RETURNS and DEEP RISING), VAN HELSING is the story of one Dr. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) and his battles with Mr. Hyde (looking like a cross between Shrek and the Hunchback of Notre Dame), the wolfman, Dracula’s brides and as if that is not enough Dracula’s servant and a whole assortment of other old movie monsters. As ridiculous as it sounds, Van Helsing (like James Bond) has been committed by some underground holy group to rid the world of evil. And that means killing Dracula. The love interest arrives in the form of the ravishing Anna (Kate Beckinsale), his love and fight mate. Van Helsing comes complete with one side-kick, a friar weapon inventor and vampire know-it-all expert (David Wenham) from the holy order. This friar can bed down women as he claims he is not a monk. So, follow the adventures of the three musketeers – Van Helsing, Anna and Friar ***censored***.
VAN HELSING cannot be forgiven for the amount of money ($200 million) it costs to make while talented struggling filmmakers mortgage their homes to get their first films made. Take Dracula’s masquerade ball that comes complete with elaborate costumes, hundreds of extras, trapeze artists, acrobats and antique furniture. Or the relatively unexciting combination of CGI and live action runaway burning coach segment!
The fight sequences are well staged. Again Sommers has integrated the different genres of action high adventure (THREE MUSKETEERS, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK), light horror and tongue-in-cheek comedy. But if you have seen one Stephen Sommers film, you have seen them all. And like a computer game, the implausible plot combining all the movie monsters is too far-fetched to be novel after a while. Same-old, same-old. Lots of action with no excitement and lots of monsters with no scares.
It is time for Sommers to advance. But upon careful consideration, Hollywood has itself never moved on. The number of sequels and prequels that appear on cinema screens every summer says it all. What opens soon? SHREK2, SPIDERMAN 2 and THE BOURNE SUPREMACY to name a few!
Review by Gilbert Seah.
Review by: Gilbert Seah
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